I've gone through so many hardships and traumas that I feel as if my life has not moved forward as quickly as it should and I am just finally so tired of it and want to do something drastically different this year. I am still living out of boxes in the same house that I have been living for two years. I haven't done my taxes for two years. My finances are completely out of control, which is something that has never happened to me. I'm still suffering from pain from a car accident 1.5 years ago. I am still suffering from the aftermath of extreme stress and my body, mind and soul just aches. I am at my highest weight ever. I have been abandoned by most of my very close friends and family. I am still having legal issues that are driving me crazy and keeping me stuck in the trauma rut. It just seems like I am hiking up a very steep hill with lots of baggage on my back with absolutely no end in sight.
Perhaps if I start writing consistently then I will have more documentation of the incremental progress that I am making and that documentation of progress will help propel me forward. Every December I keep saying that the next year is "going to the year that I get my life in order" but this year I want to be more drastic in making positive changes. I need to document and acknowledge that I HAVE made progress such as:
- I'm not living out of "so many" boxes. I am slowly starting to unpack and settle into my house. I am slowly starting to make this shell of a house into a home. On Saturday I am having a girls day out and going shopping for my house.
- I haven't done my taxes but I have slowly started to organize my paperwork. I am going to commit to getting it done soon.
- Although I still have car accident pain, I am finally able to start walking without major pain starting in September. It's an uphill battle but that is a major accomplishment.
- I still have major stress but it is getting better. I have to be patient that the doctor says that it can take years and years to physically feel better after all the huge amounts of stress and trauma that I went through for such extended periods of time. At least I have managed to stop anxiety and panic attacks and I can slowly start to release some of the tension in some muscles although it is a major struggle.
- I am obviously here trying to write again which a major step in combatting writer's block. In the past I was too overwhelmed to even write a sentence. And my brain was in a fog and survival mode where I couldn't even think straight other than what I had to do for work.
- I am trying to balance my life more. In the past I always defined myself exclusively through my work and well that got me nowhere. When someone takes away or walks all over everything that you have defined yourself by throughout your entire life, it's devastating. I will never allow that again. My worth will be detached from my career because anyone can lose their career at any time for anything.
- I am starting to see that certain people who have majorly harmed me in life are starting to get their karma and I had nothing to do with it. Coincidentally with 6 people, they are experiencing the exact same thing that happened to me.
- I have an urge to be more authentic. I am starting to care less what other people think of me. In the past I have been too much of a people pleaser but when I needed people hardly anyone came through for me so I am going to be how I want to be no matter the cost or what people think about it.
- I have started to cut out many toxic people out of my life. It's lonely but I am also slowly starting to build new friendships and acquaintances and I am learning to set better boundaries and be cautious of new people. Actions do speak louder than words and I need to start to trust that again.
- My creativity is starting to come back to me.
- There was a time when I felt like I was rolled in a little ball, calling out for help for people, reaching out for help, crying out for help, needing other people. They didn't come through. Even the police didn't come through for me, which has been extremely devastating. I am slowly starting to feel how I used to feel--where I didn't need other people and I only depended on myself.
- I am starting to look for indicators of how people really are, and I am trying to reconnect with my instincts again. Our instincts always tell us the truth.
- I have learned that I am far too generous and people either don't deserve it, they took advantage of it or they conned me. I have always prided myself on being financially savvy so it has been devastating to admit that I have been taken advantage of but I am slowly trying to forgive myself for making bad judgments when I was under extreme stress.
- I am blessed that I have a soulmate who has always accepted and supported me.
- Over the past 5 years there became years where I attracted people to tell me how I was and who I was. It was really amazing what people felt that they could tell me about myself and how severely they criticized me. I am starting to see a shift that certain people are starting to realize that they can't do this anymore.
- I want to forgive people who have harmed me although I haven't been able to. But in the past I wanted them to suffer and now I want to just forgive them and move forward. I can't wait until I can accomplish that.
- I have been practicing yoga for six months. Although I haven't lost weight, that is quite an accomplishment that I am practicing for a minimum of two days a week and lately it's been much more.
- I am starting to read books again. I even joined an online book club about yoga and healing.
- I have accepted that I have been a caretaker all my life, which has attracted dysfunctional people who want to be taken care of or who want me to solve their problems.
- I have a boss who supports my creativity, encourages me, is innovative and action oriented. She is not mentally abusive to me and allows me to do what I need to do. I feel as if she values my opinion. She is the reason that I have not retired.
- I am starting to have a very supportive team at work. There are many team members who are highly dependable and have similar educational philosophy.
- I have the itch to start blogging, writing and creating my own content again.
- I am more spiritual although I still despise organized forms of religion.
- I actually read the bible almost three times and accomplished a 25 year goal three times over.
- I love my kitchen although I never use it and need to buy chairs.
- I am becoming more soft and kind.
- I have been having a better relationship with my mother. I am trying to improve my relationship with my brother and sister in law.
- I KNOW THAT I AM A SURVIVOR. Although no one will ever know many of the things that have happened to me, I am a survivor. The person who told me that I am the type of person who could never be broken was right although I didn't believe it at the time. I am strong even though I feel weak.
- I am now empowered that I am not afraid anymore of being attacked. I know that I am capable of clawing someone's eyes out and fighting for my life if I have to. Now I just need to take more self defense so I can learn to kill someone with my hands if I need to protect myself in the future. There is nothing more empowering than knowing that you will fight for your life if you have to. I will make my house my fortress and kill someone if they try to enter. Sounds crazy but this is the result of fighting off a home invasion when 911 wouldn't come. I also know that I can depend on my neighbors to help me out too.
- My mindset is changing.
- Yoga has changed my life. Or rather, I have changed my life through the vehicle of yoga.
- I am learning to live my life authentically. I always blogged anonymously so it's scary showing my soul to the world in my real name but I am learning to embrace it and be who I am. I just have to live my truth and can't be confined by other people's expectations of who I should be anymore.
I know there are more things that I have made progress with but I am going to make a commitment to document it here and there on this blog. It's my goal to blog at least once a week. I am so relieved that I was able to write all of this! You have no idea that this wouldn't have been possible a year ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment