Finding Community

I've had severe writer's block for almost seven years. They say to overcome writer's block that you should write, even if it is to write about writer's block or mundane topics. I managed to write something for two days in a row but today I have that block again. I can feel anxiety building up as I write this. I don't even want to publish this post but I am going to force myself just to hold myself accountable since I have recently enlisted the help of an accountability partner. I'd like to get to the point where I blog at least once a week but our goal is to blog every single day until my vacation is over, no matter how mundane or unpolished the topic.

Lately I have been feeling depressed because I don't have a writing community. But I lost my writing community because I stopped writing. I used to love signing on to the blogs that I followed at least twice a week and reading my favorite blogs. However, it's been so long that I have lost that community and they have all stopped blogging. I found a few of the former bloggers on twitter and instagram but it seems like they are just having one way conversations with people lately and all of the rich discussion that I used to crave is gone.

I signed up for twitter back in 2004 and at the time it was a place to have rich, intellectual or personal dialogues. Although I used a pen name, I felt like I was the most authentic that I have ever been. I wrote on a number of blogs. I had a personal blog, a feminist blog, a political blog, a few education blogs, a book blog and a health blog. They were all highly read blogs. I felt like people got me and connected me with me. In the comments section of the blogs we would have rich discussions. People who left comments would link their blog, making the community larger. Bloggers would link their favorite blogs on their sidebars so that many of us would be able to find other like minded bloggers. It was heaven and the most creatively stimulating time of my life. Then due to personal tragedies I just stopped blogging.

Lately I have been searching for blogs on google and I just can't seem to find the same sort of communities that used to thrive back in the day. Everything seems so whitewashed, so corporatized, so monetized. Sponsored posts here, sponsored posts there. Not that there is anything wrong with sponsored posts but there just seems to be an inauthentic overabundance of them nowadays in comparison to the past. There are few personal blogs that I have found online...yet. Or maybe I haven't been looking closely enough. Everything seems all about click bait and getting followers. Posts seem to be dumbed down. Everyone seems to have lost their attention span and lost their damn minds.

In the past twitter used to be a rich place to engage in quality discussions about deep topics. But sometime around 2013 people seemed to stop talking "with" one another and talking "at" people. People post cute pictures, cute quotes, retweet articles that they like and don't have much interaction with others anymore. So much content is coming at you so fast from media that it starts drowning out the people who we used to have discussions with. At one point I changed twitter accounts (by the way, I created a new one here recently if you are on twitter) but now I am even frustrated there because I can't seem to break into any new communities or find any new connections. I am going to persist and hope for the best because twitter has always been my cherished platform.

People on Facebook are more interested in talking about cats or funny memes or looking at pictures of food than having any kind of intellectual conversation or interactive extended dialogue on a topic. And that's all right, I suppose, because every social media platform has it's own flair to it. It balances out my tendency to always want to overly engage in intellectual conversation all the time, constantly. But the nature of Facebook, with allowing longer posts that you can write in comments, could be particularly powerful for engaging in quality dialogue about deep topics. But the format of Facebook is strange and if you write a comment to someone's comment on a post, you often don't get a notification that someone has written back to you.  I often have to remember what I wrote on and scroll down to see if someone answered my question which is tiring and I don't want to do. Figure it out, Facebook, especially considering that the platform is supported to connect us. And, most of the time you can't even have a conversation any more with strangers because people are too busy telling you that you are fat or an idiot or insulting you in some other way instead of actually having an intellectual or logical debate or exchange of ideas.

I recently signed up for instagram. It's somewhat okay and thought that I could find similar minded people out there in the world. But the nature of instagram is also strange and it doesn't allow people to link to their own blog or website. "Go to my profile and click on the link" is a common occurrence, and then when you click on the link it goes to their commercial website. I find people who say they are bloggers only to find out that they are instagramers, which isn't blogging. Microblogging perhaps but I am in search of blogging. After a while I started to suspect that many of the people in instagram would follow me only to have me follow them and then unfollow me, which irritated me and made me feel used. I don't mind following people who don't follow me back but a common occurrence of people following you just to get their own followers is annoying and bad business. Many people on instagram are also fake profiles designed to sell things, have an overabundance of sponsored posts or actually steal content from others. But I will persist and try to find others who are similar to my interests. It does have a good yoga community there.

My mama always did say that I think too much and that curiosity would kill the cat and that it would one day be my downfall. I feel like I am going out of my mind with not being able to engage in extended conversations about deep issues. I want to talk religion, politics, feminism, history, literature, race and racism, multilingualism, health. I want to examine assumptions and beliefs. I want to get to know other people on a deeper level rather than a superficial picture or meme level. I get that we all need the superficial and fun thing here and there but I also crave balance. As I write this it just occurred to me that I used to do it pre social media so maybe I just need to seek out face to face connections again instead of looking for likeminded people online. But it's just that so many people in my "real life" don't have many of the same interests as I do. My daddy always did say that I am a fish out of water and should move to a more artsy city so maybe since I am having a mid life crisis I should make that jump one day. Or last night it occurred to me that perhaps I should join an adult speech, debate or writing club.

In the past I blogged anonymously or with a pen name because I didn't want any personal attacks. But it became inauthentic. All my life I have silenced myself because people have told me that my ideas are too radical, too unrealistic, too stupid,  too this or too that. I've muted and hidden who I am from the world. And frankly I am tired of it and don't want to do it anymore. But it comes at a cost. Showing the real you in real life can alienate people. It makes you raw and vulnerable. It can cause people to have fodder to attack you. Any time I write a political comment on Facebook, I am told how fat and ugly I am and I have been threatened to be be reported to my boss (haha, as if my work can tell me what to do or say on MY OWN TIME AS MY OWN PRIVATE CITIZEN!!). It's stopped bothering me so much but it makes me wonder how emotionally healthy it is long term and how much of it gets into my subconscious. Showing yourself can offend or scare people. It can isolate you. It plays with your mind. But, day by day, there seems to be something free and liberating about it.

They say blogging is dead. They say people have short attention spans and don't want to read anymore. They say that it's a fruitless effort to try to engage in dialogue in this toxic climate in which we live. But they also say that when you lead with your authentic heart, show your authentic self and do authentically what you want to do that it will eventually all fall into place, that the world will open up to you and that you will find a new community. I will be persistent and hope that it's true. Sooner or later I am sure that if I am consistent enough that I will find my people.

The Power of Love

I've read Gandhi's primary source writings over the years but I have never really studied or fully understood the sociopolitical context of India under the British empire. I understood it to a certain extent as it was outlined in his narratives and essays but I never fully understood India's history as it lead up to Gandhi's time. Lately as I've been studying the history of the British empire in India, I am even more awestruck that one man was finally able to topple an entire empire and lead hundreds of millions of people towards independence under the philosophy of nonviolence. Of course Gandhi didn't do it on his own but he was able to tip the balance of powers leading towards independence. How can this be of use to us in an increasingly toxic and hateful world in which we live?

Years ago when I was in the doctoral program, I took a series of political science classes on power, politics and domination. In two classes we studied the theoretical context of domination and the theories of disequilibrium. Some theorists espoused that all forms of power, domination and control are weakly at the edge of imbalance and can easily be toppled at any time, if given the right circumstances. The classes outlined example after example of powerful people, empires or governments being thrown into complete disequilibrium at the hands of one or a very small group of people.

In one of my "former lives" (yes,  I've had many),  I worked on political campaigns for progressive candidates who were underdogs. In one particular campaign, an inexperienced progressive latina was running in a local city council race against a powerful incumbent in an extremely racist and highly segregated city. There was a huge smear campaign against her being latina during a time of extreme anti-immigrant sentiment. The incumbent was highly anti-immigrant and racist. Polls showed that the latina only had 7% of voter support. It just seemed as if winning the election would never be possible in a such a city and even her sponsors thought she had a long shot.

One day someone gave our campaign information on the incumbent that he owned a local patriot online forum and we decided to sign up and take screen shots of things written by the incumbent and local residents. Myself and another volunteer researched how to write advertising scripts that immediately caught someone's attention and were immediately provocative with an underlying message of anti-hate.  We wrote one short and simple letter to a local editor of the newspaper with the advertising formula. It is an understatement to say that it caused a major snowball effect that resulted in the incumbent losing the election.

I won't reveal all of our tactics but me and the other volunteer were highly surprised that one letter turned into major editorial attention, national news coverage, national television attention and an IRS investigation. All it took was for two 18 year old women sitting at a computer for 20 hours a day, hundreds of miles away, to write a short and simple letter that caused such disequilibrium that eventually resulted in the incumbent's nonprofit being suspended by the IRS and his organization being classified as a hate group with the "hate and extremism watch" arm of the Southern Poverty Law Center. A progressive and inexperienced latina won the election in a city that had been dominated by conservatives for 50 years.

I watched in awe as the incumbent named who he thought was responsible for his downfall on television. He named prominent democratic leaders and powerful business opponents. He raged against all the large groups of people who caused his downfall. All the powerful men who contributed to his demise. Little did he know that it was two recent female high school graduates sitting at their computers halfway across the country, working for free,  who accidentally pushed power and control into disequilibrium all with an anti-hate message.

The Margaret Mead quote appropriately outlines this dynamic: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has". The key is in the small group concept.

We've seen this before in the United States in cases such as Dr. King and Cesar Chavez who were able to galvanize an entire nation towards embracing a movement and large scale social change over love and justice. Even recently Donald Trump was able to bring both political parties to their knees as he toppled their power structures and seized power.   People tend to think that strength lies in numbers when it comes to politics but it's actually the opposite.   The key to throwing power and control into an imbalance lies in the hands of one person or a small group of people, which will later spiral into a wave of disequilibrium which reaches the masses in society and easily spreads like wildfire. Those who hold the key to starting the ripple effect lies in the hands of a select few. All it takes it emotional stamina, extreme emotional resilience and a public soapbox.

As social movements grow or as power expands, the amount of people involved increases which leads to more egos fighting against one another. We are historically ripe for another large scale civil rights movement but we remain stagnant in inequality and oppression due to multiple and competing identity politics. Different factions fight against one another for their own political platforms. Civil rights organizations grow larger and larger, become more and more disconnected from the people and have too many competing egos which cause fractures in the ability to topple the dominant power structures. And political parties have been too hijacked by money to topple any power other than for their own self interest.

We are in great need of a political or social leader who has the charisma and provocation of Donald Trump but who espouses a message of love, equality and unity. My frustration with organized religion lies in the fact that this is exactly what religious leaders should be doing--spreading love, positivity and social justice but instead we have been hijacked by evangelical power mongers who have injected themselves into religion for their own power, money and control.

When will progressive leaders of organized religion step up? Gandhi was guided by his religion. Dr. King was guided by his religion. I've always been opposed to organized religion but perhaps it is the only thing that can save us from all going to hell in a hand basket. The right kind of religious leader or leader guided by religious philosophy is the key to seizing back this country from the moral decline caused by hatred. Perhaps everything can be consolidated and united under religion, therefore healing the fractured priorities that are plaguing society. Love your neighbor, a religious leader might say. Take care of the environment because it's our own garden of eden. Love all races, genders, religions, classes, sexual orientations...because we are all god's children. Give to the poor because God tells us to do so in the bible.  All we need is one person or a very small group of people who come from a point of love and who can rise to national attention in order to cause a ripple effect outwards.

This world is a major crisis of moral degeneracy caused by hatred. Our political leaders on both sides of the aisle further exacerbate this dilemma. We must seize our society back from the perils of hatred and division. We must topple the power structures that bind us into factions and turmoil. And we must do it through love. As Dr. King so eloquently pointed out: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that". 

Fight the power.  Fight the hate. Love with all your heart and let is spread like California wildfire. If Gandhi can topple a global empire, it's much easier than we think.

Progress

2018 is just around the corner and once again here I am in yet another year saying that this upcoming year is going to be the year that I finally get my life together. I've suffered from writer's block for almost 7 years when all of my hardships began so it's hard to determine exactly how much progress that I have made, but I know that I have made progress. It's causing me extreme anxiety to try and write this post but writing used to fulfill me and soothe my soul in the past so this year I must, must, must make it a habit. If anything I want to kick writer's block's ass in 2018!

I've gone through so many hardships and traumas that I feel as if my life has not moved forward as quickly as it should and I am just finally so tired of it and want to do something drastically different this year. I am still living out of boxes in the same house that I have been living for two years. I haven't done my taxes for two years. My finances are completely out of control, which is something that has never happened to me. I'm still suffering from pain from a car accident 1.5 years ago. I am still suffering from the aftermath of extreme stress and my body, mind and soul just aches. I am at my highest weight ever. I have been abandoned by most of my very close friends and family. I am still having legal issues that are driving me crazy and keeping me stuck in the trauma rut. It just seems like I am hiking up a very steep hill with lots of baggage on my back with absolutely no end in sight.

Perhaps if I start writing consistently then I will have more documentation of the incremental progress that I am making and that documentation of progress will help propel me forward. Every December I keep saying that the next year is "going to the year that I get my life in order" but this year I want to be more drastic in making positive changes. I need to document and acknowledge that I HAVE made progress such as:

• I'm not living out of "so many" boxes. I am slowly starting to unpack and settle into my house. I am slowly starting to make this shell of a house into a home.  On Saturday I am having a girls day out and going shopping for my house.
• I haven't done my taxes but I have slowly started to organize my paperwork. I am going to commit to getting it done soon. 
• Although I still have car accident pain, I am finally able to start walking without major pain starting in September. It's an uphill battle but that is a major accomplishment. 
• I still have major stress but it is getting better. I have to be patient that the doctor says that it can take years and years to physically feel better after all the huge amounts of stress and trauma that I went through for such extended periods of time. At least I have managed to stop anxiety and panic attacks and I can slowly start to release some of the tension in some muscles although it is a major struggle. 
• I am obviously here trying to write again which a major step in combatting writer's block. In the past I was too overwhelmed to even write a sentence. And my brain was in a fog and survival mode where I couldn't even think straight other than what I had to do for work. 
• I am trying to balance my life more. In the past I always defined myself exclusively through my work and well that got me nowhere. When someone takes away or walks all over everything that you have defined yourself by throughout your entire life, it's devastating. I will never allow that again. My worth will be detached from my career because anyone can lose their career at any time for anything. 
• I am starting to see that certain people who have majorly harmed me in life are starting to get their karma and I had nothing to do with it. Coincidentally with 6 people, they are experiencing the exact same thing that happened to me. 
• I have an urge to be more authentic. I am starting to care less what other people think of me. In the past I have been too much of a people pleaser but when I needed people hardly anyone came through for me so I am going to be how I want to be no matter the cost or what people think about it.
• I have started to cut out many toxic people out of my life. It's lonely but I am also slowly starting to build new friendships and acquaintances and I am learning to set better boundaries and be cautious of new people. Actions do speak louder than words and I need to start to trust that again.
• My creativity is starting to come back to me.
• There was a time when I felt like I was rolled in a little ball, calling out for help for people, reaching out for help, crying out for help, needing other people. They didn't come through. Even the police didn't come through for me, which has been extremely devastating. I am slowly starting to feel how I used to feel--where I didn't need other people and I only depended on myself. 
• I am starting to look for indicators of how people really are, and I am trying to reconnect with my instincts again. Our instincts always tell us the truth. 
• I have learned that I am far too generous and people either don't deserve it, they took advantage of it or they conned me. I have always prided myself on being financially savvy so it has been devastating to admit that I have been taken advantage of but I am slowly trying to forgive myself for making bad judgments when I was under extreme stress.
• I am blessed that I have a soulmate who has always accepted and supported me.
• Over the past 5 years there became years where I attracted people to tell me how I was and who I was. It was really amazing what people felt that they could tell me about myself and how severely they criticized me. I am starting to see a shift that certain people are starting to realize that they can't do this anymore.
• I want to forgive people who have harmed me although I haven't been able to. But in the past I wanted them to suffer and now I want to just forgive them and move forward. I can't wait until I can accomplish that. 
• I have been practicing yoga for six months. Although I haven't lost weight, that is quite an accomplishment that I am practicing for a minimum of two days a week and lately it's been much more.
• I am starting to read books again. I even joined an online book club about yoga and healing.
• I have accepted that I have been a caretaker all my life, which has attracted dysfunctional people who want to be taken care of or who want me to solve their problems. 
• I have a boss who supports my creativity, encourages me, is innovative and action oriented. She is not mentally abusive to me and allows me to do what I need to do. I feel as if she values my opinion. She is the reason that I have not retired. 
• I am starting to have a very supportive team at work. There are many team members who are highly dependable and have similar educational philosophy. 
• I have the itch to start blogging, writing and creating my own content again.
• I am more spiritual although I still despise organized forms of religion. 
• I actually read the bible almost three times and accomplished a 25 year goal three times over.
• I love my kitchen although I never use it and need to buy chairs.
• I am becoming more soft and kind.
• I have been having a better relationship with my mother. I am trying to improve my relationship with my brother and sister in law. 
• I KNOW THAT I AM A SURVIVOR. Although no one will ever know many of the things that have happened to me, I am a survivor. The person who told me that I am the type of person who could never be broken was right although I didn't believe it at the time. I am strong even though I feel weak.
• I am now empowered that I am not afraid anymore of being attacked. I know that I am capable of clawing someone's eyes out and fighting for my life if I have to. Now I just need to take more self defense so I can learn to kill someone with my hands if I need to protect myself in the future. There is nothing more empowering than knowing that you will fight for your life if you have to. I will make my house my fortress and kill someone if they try to enter. Sounds crazy but this is the result of fighting off a home invasion when 911 wouldn't come. I also know that I can depend on my neighbors to help me out too. 
• My mindset is changing.
• Yoga has changed my life. Or rather, I have changed my life through the vehicle of yoga.
• I am learning to live my life authentically. I always blogged anonymously so it's scary showing my soul to the world in my real name but I am learning to embrace it and be who I am. I just have to live my truth and can't be confined by other people's expectations of who I should be anymore. 

I know there are more things that I have made progress with but I am going to make a commitment to document it here and there on this blog. It's my goal to blog at least once a week. I am so relieved that I was able to write all of this! You have no idea that this wouldn't have been possible a year ago. 

Diligence

This morning I've been reading the first few chapter of a book that our superintendent gave us at our last management meeting. In a very short nutshell, Gawande says doctors and medical professionals are to blame for the spread of infections in hospitals because of lack of DILIGENCE. Primarily they don't wash their hands for a variety of reasons, or they wash so much that it irritates skin which breeds infection too. 

Perhaps the same can be said about student failure when it comes to us educators. We didn't screen students, we didn't get them tutoring early enough, we didn't pinpoint their exact need and gave them a misaligned intervention, we waited until second/third grade to catch them up, we didn't realize that they had 5 years of intervention plan meetings over and over and the interventions weren't done or monitored or changed if there was no progress, we didn't keep focusing on identified priorities, we trained teachers and weren't DILIGENT in giving them follow up support, we didn't make it easy for schools and teachers to immediately know on day one of school who are at-risk students/long term english learners/etc, site or district leaders didn't clarify expectations or set up initiatives for success or we weren't patient enough with implementing something before we throw it out and the list can go on and on.  

The first few chapters also discuss how protocol during polio outbreaks has been instrumental in containing outbreaks and almost eradicating polio from the planet. In the case of India, the WHO has protocols and they worked with local teams to establish a system where outbreaks were contained even in areas with severe lack of resources and hygiene. For example protocol required that health care workers mark P on doors to verify that all kids in the house had been vaccinated and X if a child was missing when they visited or didn't want to be vaccinated. People also weren't supposed to be chastised if they chose not to vaccinate.  Children had their hands marked to show they had been vaccinated. 

An important feature of the success of the polio campaigns was the DILIGENCE to follow up and follow through-supervisors going into the community to do some follow up checks to make sure health workers were following protocol and actually checking the doors, the marking on hands, the ways that the vaccine was transported and stored etc. For example, a minor check to say "can you show me the refrigerator" helped the supervisor know that the fridge wasn't working nor was the generator and it allowed immediate trouble shooting for the local doctor. 

Perhaps as school site and district leaders we don't follow through with the DILIGENCE. Perhaps we don't monitor as effectively as we should that something is being implemented.  Or we have one priority for implementation and then add on another at the same time and then throw one or both out because we don't see quick success.  Or perhaps we don't give the appropriate support to teacher that they might need to be more successful. 

It's all food for thought, but when WHO workers fly to India to status check something, they can maintain such follow through and they are being proactive about it. It's hard for a supervisor who flew to India with the intent of monitoring and support to not be stretched in all directions because it's not like he can just fly out of India or be reached immediately to solve other problems. Or this type of "the grass is always greener on the other side" type of mentality is my failure. 

The nature of jobs in educational leadership aren't able to screen out all the competing priorities-perhaps it's easier to do in a life-death medical situation but its hard to prioritize when you've got so many competing priorities and emergencies coming at you simultaneously in the day to day of an educational system. Perhaps some way there is a way to replicate this laser-like focus of the operating room or the polio campaign-and I suppose that this is the intent of our superintendent highlighting effective practices of high reliability organizations so that educational systems can basically be reconceptualized as life or death type of situations. 

Meanwhile I am going to do a checklist to check in on people in a systematic way and check off certain things that can be done to provide proactive support. For example, I randomly emailed a teacher because the principal said that she just told her that she didn't have books all year. I found out immediately that she never told anyone and has had no materials all year. A simple checklist to check in on people and ask if there is anything that they need-beyond  mass email, like a personal email or phone call, will allow us to get ahead of ourselves and be more proactive. 

Another idea might be that I often make assumptions that teachers or sites immediately know the levels and the performance of their students. For example, I made the assumption that teachers would know who to target for our local Biliteracy Achievement Award but it seems like when I was diligent about it and sent a personalized email about who met the criteria in both languages, who met the criteria in one language, who is borderline and needed to be tested again, we suddenly saw a huge increase in students participating in the award and interestingly last year many of the borderline kids suddenly increased in their performance afterwards. 

At the district level people often repeat that teachers have access to the data in online reporting systems and can pull their own data. "If we keep doing it for them then they won't do it themselves" is said, but perhaps they would appreciate something similar where we are diligent about quickly pulling data for them to serve as early look outs when it comes to student performance. Just like the doctors in the book who get too busy or forget to wash their hands, many teachers might be too busy to dig in and intensively look at their data to identify the trends. Of course many teachers do but on a general scale everyone is not looking at it as DILIGENTLY as we all should be, including informal data and especially aren't being as DILIGENT about using such data to change or guide instruction. 

According to this book, many operating rooms have established such a strict protocol and DILIGENCE towards safety that they don't have the same disease transmission as the rest of the hospital because they created one position on the team whose primary job is to ensure patient safety and is a "watchdog". How to have an equivalent position in education is beyond my comprehension at the district level  but I can see how a school site might have one of those kinds of "early lookout/watch dog" kind of positions with an intervention specialist who is monitoring all the kids on a continual basis and is helping teachers devise ways to target students' needs with a laser like focus. 

People might be inclined to say that we are already diligently monitoring the kids but just like this doctor admits that he is responsible for infecting his own patients by his lack of hand washing, I will admit that we could do a better job in the education field about being DILIGENT about identifying at risk students as early as possible in their education, providing quality and early interventions, and  monitoring the progress of all students including students who meet grade level standards. If you already have it all figured out then good for you. Meanwhile I will keep reflecting on how I personally can try to get better at providing support that teachers, principals, support staff and parents need to help their students achieve success.